Your dating difficulties are not caused by something about you thatâs permanently flawed. If youâve experienced trauma, being vulnerable in relationships reveals the old wounds that never healed. Each new connection you make can be challenging because, for you, it is an opportunity to finally be fulfilled or to suffer yet another potential heartache.
Traumatic experiences alter the ability to connect with others authentically. You build walls. Fear guides you. âWorst-case scenariosâ are everywhere. You develop unhealthy coping strategies.
Trauma changes your view of the world and yourself on so many levels. It changes thoughts, feelings, the nervous system, and your ability to trust.
Trauma is much more than a story of what happened to you. The feelings, beliefs, and body sensations that you soaked up during the trauma are still very much alive in youânot as memories, but as reactions in the present.
Trauma is also what did not happen to you but should haveâall your unmet needs, abandonment, and neglect.
The antidote to trauma is experiential healing. I am sure you can think of many examples where what you can logically understand does not translate into feeling the same in your heart. What you know and what you do are two separate things sometimes.
While youâre on your healing journey, the first step is working towards being authentic to yourself, asking what you need and giving that to yourself, and connecting with yourself and safe people to feel that sense of belonging.
Once you start dating or getting into a relationship, itâs important to accept your partner as they are. But itâs also important to decide what your deal-breakers are. A healthy relationship needs both: acceptance and boundaries.
FIVE THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP
Dr. John Gottman suggests paying attention to these five elements that should be present in your relationship.
Honesty. Donât trust someone who lies to you. Donât come up with excuses for them for why they lied.
Transparency. Are they an open book? Are they inviting you to join their life, family, and friends? You should feel comfortable asking questions and getting answers. Please note, that thereâs a difference between secrecy and privacy (which we all need to have because it represents healthy boundaries). While they donât need to tell you their deepest secrets right away, it should feel easy and comfortable getting to know them.
Accountability. Do they keep their promises and follow through on their commitments? Remember actions speak louder than words.
Ethical actions. If you are detecting immoral actions or if you are uncomfortable with their morals, then move on. Again, this goes back to being authentic to your true self.
Proof of alliance. Do they take your needs into account or do they only act out of their own self-interest? If they are able to demonstrate that they have your back, even in small ways, then thatâs a great sign
Just because dating is challenging for you due to past trauma doesnât mean that it always has to be that way. Healing is possible. Start with taking the first step of compassionately choosing yourself.
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