You’re in a relationship with a great person who you love. You’ve developed trust, established boundaries and learned each other’s communication styles.
At the same time, you might find yourself constantly questioning yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
Will things last? How do you know if this person is really the right one for you? What if they’re hiding some dark secret?
What if you’re just incapable of maintaining a healthy, committed relationship?
Yep. Relationship anxiety is extremely common. Some people experience relationship anxiety during the start of a relationship, before they know their partner has an equal interest in them. Or, they might be unsure if they even want a relationship.
But these feelings can also come up in committed, long-term relationships.
Over time, relationship anxiety can lead to:
emotional distress
lack of motivation
fatigue or emotional exhaustion
stomach upset and other physical concerns
Relationship anxiety can show up in different ways.
Most people feel a little insecure about their relationship at some point, especially in the early stages of dating and forming a commitment. This isn’t unusual, so you generally don’t need to feel concerned about passing doubts or fears, especially if they don’t affect you too much.
The most common expression of relationship anxiety relates to underlying questions of ‘Do I matter?’ or ‘Are you there for me?'”
This speaks to a fundamental need to connect, belong, and feel secure in a partnership.
There’s that doubt about your partners feelings for you..
You’ve exchanged I love you’s (or maybe just I really, really like you’s). They always seem happy to see you and make kind gestures, like bringing you lunch or walking out of their way to see you home.
But you still can’t shake the nagging doubt: “They don’t really love me.”
Maybe they’re slow to respond to physical affection. Or they don’t reply to texts for several hours — even a day. When they suddenly seem a little distant, you wonder if their feelings have changed.
Everyone feels this way from time to time, but these worries can become a fixation if you have relationship anxiety.
A good relationship can make you feel loved, secure, and happy. It’s perfectly normal to want to hold on to these feelings and hope nothing happens to disrupt the relationship.
But these thoughts can sometimes transform into a persistent fear of your partner leaving you. This anxiety can become problematic when you adjust your behavior in order to secure their continued affection.
For example, you might:
avoid bringing up issues that are important to you in a relationship
ignore when your partner does things that bother you
worry a lot about them getting mad at you
Relationship anxiety can make you question whether you and your partner are truly compatible, even when things are going great in the relationship. You might also question whether you’re actually happy or if you just think you are.
In response, you might start focusing your attention on minor differences — they are more free spirited, but you’re a more traditional person — and overemphasize their importance.
You may not do these things intentionally, but the underlying goal — whether you realize it or not — is usually to determine how much your partner cares.
You might believe, for example, that resisting your efforts to push them away proves they really do love you.
But it’s very hard for your partner to pick up on this underlying motive.
A tendency to overthink your partner’s words and actions can also suggest relationship anxiety.
Maybe they don’t like to hold hands. Or, when you take the plunge and move in together, they insist on keeping all their old furniture.
Sure, these could all be signs of a potential issue. But it’s more likely that they have sweaty hands or just really love that living room set.
Memories of things that happened in the past can continue to affect you, even if you think you’ve mostly gotten over them.
You might be more likely to experience relationship anxiety if a past partner:
cheated on you
dumped you unexpectedly
lied about their feelings for you
misled you about the nature of your relationship
It’s not unusual to have difficulty placing trust in someone again after you’ve been hurt — even if your current partner doesn’t show any signs of manipulation or dishonesty.
Certain triggers, whether you’re aware of them or not, can still remind you of the past and provoke doubt and insecurity.
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