Affair is one of those words that we think we know the definition of quite clearly until there comes a point to fully explain it to someone else. As counselor and coach when I think about the definitions I have seen in family therapy textbooks, what I’ve observed in counseling sessions, and the beliefs that are instilled from society—from places of worship to pop culture—I notice that there are lots of inconsistencies.
Inconsistencies like this can cause mental health consequences. What I do notice consistently across these realms is that folks often assert with confidence that they know what an affair is. Yet, if it were crystal clear, would we have varying renditions and misunderstandings related to them? Gaining clarity in what qualifies as crossing the line may have the potential to improve self-awareness, communication, and relationship quality. Here are a few considerations that may help.
1. It’s often more than “just sex.”
Physical breaches have traditionally been the most commonly agreed-upon example of affairs, in reality, there are a variety of avenues, such as emotional, that may be important to consider.
2. It can happen without a marriage.
3. There is often an element of secrecy.
One of the most harrowing parts of an affair is that they're typically formed and maintained in secret.” In some instances, particularly in relationships with unhealthy power dynamics and/or abuse, while a partner may learn about the affair, they may feel helpless and powerless. The hidden element of an affair hinders trust, a critical element in most partnerships.
4. They have a harmful effect on mental health.
Ranging from devastation to rage, all of which can be bounded up with guilt and shame. Affairs and the process of healing that follows can lead someone to lose sense of their own value or even their ability to trust themselves or their judgment or their intuition.
In addition, the betrayed partner can struggle with impacts on self esteem and confidence, self-worth, and unclear sense of self. Betrayed partners may suffer from depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder–like symptoms, including flashbacks, hypervigilance, and nightmares.
5. It often parallels underlying relationship problems.
Affairs may be shocking; however, rarely is a solid relationship unexpectedly unrooted by infidelity. In a relationship over time, which, if left unattended, allows for infidelity to take hold.
6. What qualifies as an affair should be proactively defined in a relationship.
Just as we may assume we understand what an affair is, we may presume our partners do as well and that discussing affairs may be pointless. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Each person has to explore what the range of infidelity looks like, including the line that crosses into an affair. At this point, I define an affair as becoming involved with an individual in a manner that goes against the previously established code of the relationship. To me, this may encompass romantic intent or not. That definition may work for you; however, as we are all unique, your definition may vary.
If you’re hoping to infuse this into your relationship, here are some discussion points you may want to consider with your partner.
How do you define an affair?
What qualifies as an affair?
What is included in our relationship code (e.g., values, beliefs, traditions)?
What would you need to feel confident that I value our relationship?
What boundaries do we need to protect our relationship?
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